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Where it is the mail?

Mail service inexplicably stopped around the country Monday Moldy Cheese has learned. No explanation is known at this time and calls to government offices throughout the continental United States went unanswered. We will be following up on the story and hope to find an explanation for our readers soon.

Milk sends Castroneves to hospital after Indy 500 win

Just hours after winning the Indianapolis 500, Helio Castroneves was rushed to the hospital with severe stomach pains. Castroneves doubled over in pain following his third victory of the famed race and had to be taken by ambulance to the Wishard Memorial Hospital for treatment. A family spokesman said the racecar driver suffers from “severe lactose intolerance” and “should not have ingested dairy products of any kind.”

Tradition holds that the winner of the race sip from a bottle of milk following their victory. In his prior two victories Castroneves has only pretended to drink from the bottle, spitting the milk out before swallowing it. However Castroneves had supposedly been privately telling family and friends that he planned to take part in the tradition for real if he won the race. “ We warned him not to,” an unnamed family friend said. “I told him this would happen if he did. That boy has no tolerance for lactose.”

Castroneves is resting comfortably and is expected to be kept overnight for observation.

Jake Peavy a Pothead?

Jake Peavy to the New York Mets? The Cubs? The Brewers? The Potheads?

Moldy Cheese has learned that the San Diego Padres’ front office is apparently so upset at the pitcher’s veto of the trade that would have sent him to the Chicago White Sox this week that they are considering sending him to their class A affiliate in Fort Wayne, Indiana. The Fort Wayne Tincaps, known locally as the Potheads, have a record of 27- 15 and are 1.5 games out of first place in the Mid East division. Peavy began his career with the team before being promoted in their system.

“I’d really rather not be a Pothead,” Peavy said when asked about the rumor. “I was a Pothead when I was young, although I was kind of lazy back then. I’m happy where I am and just want to help the San Diego Padres. However, if the team feels the need to make me a Pothead just to punish me that’s their prerogative.” Fans of the Potheads, however, would welcome his return. ”Once a Pothead, always a Pothead,” said stadium usher Richard Burkett.

San Diego GM Kevin Towers had no comment on the rumor except to say, “There are worse things in the world than being a Pothead.” Regardless of whether or not Peavy joins the team, the Potheads are Moldy Cheese’s new favorite team and we will be following them throughout the year.

NHL downgrades Carolina to a Thunderstorm

After two lopsided defeats at the hands of the Pittsburgh Penguins, the Carolina Hurricanes were forced by the NHL early this morning to change their name to the Carolina Thunderstorms. The Penguins defeated the Hurricanes by scores of 7-4 and 6-2 in their last two match-ups and have taken a commanding 3-0 lead in the best-of-seven series for the Eastern Conference championship. “We just felt that after being beaten so badly for two straight games that they no longer were worthy of being deemed a hurricane. They will be known as the Thunderstorms until further notice,” said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

This is the first time any sports franchise has undergone a name change in the midst of a playoff run. “We will certainly be protesting this decision,” said Thunderstorms President Jim Rutherford. With the team down three games in the series, morale was low to begin with. However with this decision it seems as though defeat is imminent. “Obviously we don’t feel as strong being downgraded like this,” said center Eric Staal.

The news was taken a bit better in Pittsburgh. "They're now known as the Thunderstorms? That should be pretty easy to beat. Will they be known as the Sprinkles after we win game four?," asked Penguin Max Talbot.

Brett Favre just can't make up his mind

Family and friends of former Green Bay Packer and New York Jets quartback Brett Favre are privately concerned over the retired quarterback’s recent inability to make decisions of any kind. While the debate of joining the Minnesota Vikings has been the story to make headlines, it is the decisions in Favre’s private life that are seemingly causing the most problems. “He just can’t make up his mind about anything,” a source close to Favre says. “He goes back and forth on pretty much every minor decision in his life.”

Favre was recently seen at a Baskin Robbins near his home in Hattiesburg, Mississippi, seemingly flustered at the number of ice cream flavors before him. “He was in line for at least 20 minutes trying to decide between rocky road, chunky monkey and mint chocolate chip,” says eyewitness Grady Feldgus. “The dude behind the counter finally had to tell him to pick a flavor or get out.”

In recent months Favre has undergone a battery of tests to determine whether or not he is healthy enough to return to football. While all the tests have shown that the concussions he has experienced in his career should not be affecting his mental capacity in any way, his indecisions are clearly impacting his life. “He was taking his wife and kids on a family vacation in the car to Disney World and halfway there decided the Grand Canyon was a better idea. And then on the way there he decided colonial Williamsburg was a better idea. They never ended up going anywhere,” says an anonymous source.

How this will impact Favre’s return from yet another retirement has yet to be determined.

Customer sacked over Roethlis-burger

Pittsburgh. Home of the Steel Curtain defense, Iron City beer and the Roethlisberger….burger? Chaos ensued late Thursday night at famed local eatery Pepe’s when a teenager who worked there vicously attacked a customer over an order for the sandwich named after Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. “He just wouldn’t stop,” said the accused attacker Kevin Lang as he was led away by police. “He kept asking me for a Roethlisberger Burger, but we don’t have that. It’s just a Roethlis-burger.”

The victim’s name is Rob Marrow, 56, of Cleveland, Ohio. “I’m a Browns fan, so I wanted to bust chops a little bit about the sandwich, but in no way did I deserve to be smacked across the face with a table tray. That was uncalled for,” said Marrow. Witnesses in the restaurant looked on in horror as Marrow fell to the ground after being struck by an irate Lang. Lang was immediately taken into custody by the local authorities present in the restaurant.

This is not the first time that the sandwich made up of sausage, hamburger meat, fried egg, cheese, lettuce and tomato has caused a controversy. After a Jets 19-16 win over the Steelers at Giants Stadium in 2007 a Jets fan threw a three day old Roethlis-burger in the direction of the Steelers bench, striking head coach Mike Tomlin.

At this point, Pepe’s is not considering changing the name of the sandwich. Calls to Ben Roethlisberger's agents Ryan and Bruce Tollner regarding this matter were not immediately returned.

WWE and Denver Nuggets to settle score

Double booked at the Pepsi Center ? Yes, its true. The WWE had booked the Denver Nugget's home for this week's ‘Monday Night Raw’ months ago, but were told this week that they will be unable to use the facilities due to the Nuggets hosting the Los Angeles Lakers in Game 4 of the NBA’s Western Conference Finals. According to the WWE’s owner, Vince McMahon, there’s only one way to settle this: an old fashioned Royal Rumble.

Sunday afternoon at the Pepsi Center will feature the first ever Royal Rumble between five of the WWE’s all stars and the Denver Nuggets starting five. “I’m looking forward to it,” said Nuggets all star forward Carmelo Anthony. “The Undertaker has been one of my heroes since I was a kid and I look forward to sending him back to the dead.” Nuggets coach George Karl was more reserved when asked about it. “I just hope none of our guys get hurt,” he said.

On the other side of the spectrum, WWE’s John Cena seemed ready to pounce on the Nuggets. “Yo man, I’m ready to roll, bro. Chauncey Billups, he aint nothin’. Kenyon Martin, he’s a punk too, I’m gonna re-arrange all their faces, bro. This arena is ours!” Vince McMahon seemed confident in his cast winning the match as well. "We'll show 'em who the REAL athletes are," McMahon quipped.

Speculation has run rampant on why the Nuggets would risk injury this way when word came down from the league that they would have to forfeit game 4 due to the scheduling snafu. Either way-- Basketball fan? Wrestling fan? It doesn’t matter. History is in the making and the Pepsi Center is up for grabs.

New Author

This blog will now be featuring contributions from Justin Farrell, aka J-Far. If you'd like to submit material for consideration email them to chrisburkett1@yahoo.com. I cannot guarantee a response and material becomes property of myself and this blog.

SFS spreading across the country

A new and potentially dangerous disease is emergeing here in America, causing doctors and scientists to worry that the spread of the illness may soon cause a global pandemic. Dubbed Season Finale Syndrome, or SFS, the disease seemingly manifests itself in people overly affected, distraught, or pissed off over the season finale of their favorite television shows. Symptoms that are inherent have been high fever, listlessness, depression, and a complete disinterest in “all the crap they put on TV in the summertime.”

“This is of grave concern to the world. The swine flu is the sniffles compared to what we might be facing with this,” said Dr. Allan Rubinstein of the Centers for Disease Control.

Doctors have been seeing cases of SFS for years, but there have only been handful of them and with very minor symptoms. “Season finales have just gotten a lot shittier over the years,” Rubinstein says. “Things have hit their peak this year, particularly with the finales of 24 and Lost disappointing and angering so many people.”

Doctors warn that the virus can be fatal, particularly in its most severe form – Series Finale Syndrome.

“If a show is ending forever and ends on a really bad note the symptoms are dramatically worse,” Rubinstein said. He cites the series finales of Seinfeld and this year’s Life on Mars as catalysts for cases he has seen.

Scientists are feverishly working on finding a cure before its too late. With the season finale of American Idol airing last night there is concern that more cases will soon emerge. However Rubinstein says, “Even I couldn’t watch American Idol this year. Hopefully nobody really gave a crap.”

Michael Vick bitten by dog after release

Michael Vick was viciously bitten by a dog as he was being released from prison Wednesday morning. The wound on his ankle was severe enough that Vick had to return to the prison hospital for treatment.

Vick, the former Atlanta Falcons quarterback, was being released to home confinement after serving a 19-month sentence for financing a dog-fighting ring. The dog, a 5-year-old rottweiler by the name of Crosby, was apparently lying in wait for Vick outside the prison walls.

“Two of my brothers were killed as part of his criminal acts,” Crosby said as he was being taken to the local pound. “I had to get him back for what he did.”

The attack came as no surprise to Vick or his attorneys, as Crosby had been apparently sending Vick threatening notes for months. “We warned prison officials this might happen, but they didn’t seem to care, “ Vick attorney Larry Woodward said.

Somali Pirate night turns ugly

A promotion designed to capitalize on the publicity Somali pirates have received in recent months turned ugly last week at a baseball game at PNC Park in Pittsburgh. The Pittsburgh Pirates play had them recently mired in an 8 game losing streak and facing rapidly falling attendance. This compelled owner Robert Nutting to 'try to inject some life and excitement into the in-game promotions.' Dubbed 'Somali Pirate Night,' last Friday's game against the Colorado Rockies gave every fan in attendance the opportunity to get autographs from 'real Somali pirates,' in addition taking home a bobble-head doll of a Somali pirate recently featured in the news.

"We felt the tie in of the Somali Pirates with the Pittsburgh Pirates was a natural fit. We couldn't have been more wrong," Nutting was quoted as saying.

The night started off well enough, with the Somali pirates signing autographs and posing for photographs with fans. However the night soon soured when the scallywags decided this was a plum opportunity to earn yet another ransom and took the 27,642 fans in attendance hostage. They were held against their will inside the stadium for over 3 hours while Pittsburgh ownership negotiated their release. A five million dollar bounty was eventually paid and the Somali pirates made a dramatic escape in their ship, leading Pittsburgh police on a chase up and down the city's three rivers before eventually elluding them. The start of the Rockies/Pirates game was also delayed while talks took place.

"I'd like to apologize to all of our fans. It now is apparent that this promotion was not a good idea," manager John Russel said after the ordeal was over. Only a handful of the crowd stayed on to watch as the Pirates went on to lose 3-1. "Our heads just weren't in the game," center fielder Nate McClouth said.

The ramifications for the Pirate organization will be profound. Lawsuits will surely mount and the team has said it will have to cut payroll due to the 5 million outlay.